When meditating on why I started obsessively videoing so many things around three and a half years ago, I came to the conclusion that it is because I feared, and still do, the possibility of not being around to see my son become man. It’s a fear I’ve had since before he was born that spring forth upon being diagnosed with testicular cancer a week after Carmen told me she was pregnant.
Not only was I afraid of the possibility of dying, but even more so that I would not be there for my son who would need guidance and protection in a brutal world filled with mean, uncaring souls, and wickedness of every kind.
As I sat getting weaker from dose after dose of chemo cocktails being administered, staring at Carmen’s belly filled me with excitement and anticipation as she napped. No way was cancer going to stop me from meeting my son.
Carmen came to every treatment. Five weeks after the last one, I helped her doctor deliver Buck on a Friday afternoon without issue. I had gone from the lowest point of my life to the greatest point of my life in a matter of five weeks, but the underlying fear of not being around for my son never quite dissipated fully lingering stealthily subconscious.
Then, before Buck was two years old, Carmen was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer that had metastasized to her liver. Doctors estimated that she was already stage four when she gave birth to Buck.’
I had been so worried about myself getting sick again that I was completely taken off guard by Carmen’s diagnosis. It was her illness that really made me worry about the possibility of not being around for Buck, and it was at this time that I began videoing more than ever.
The rides Buck and I took through our neighborhood where a way to get away for some exercise and fun, but not too far away because Carmen was often suffering the side effects of chemo or recovering from various surgeries. Upon our return home, I would show her video of Buck attempting to cheer her up.
Eventually, Carmen got better too, but my obsessive videoing kept growing until it morphed into what it has become today. Shooting and editing these videos is a way for me to find peace while allowing me to leave a piece of myself behind just in case.